We all know those annoying people who try to start their own nickname. You probably work with some guy named Kirk who says “Everyone calls me Captain Kirk” yet not one single person, other than himself, calls him that. Well, this is embarrassing for me to admit (yet here I am telling the…
SNL’s Kate McKinnon
“Join us for a night of laughs as MEC Presents: Kate McKinnon from Saturday Night Live. Kate McKinnon is famous for her current work as a featured player on Saturday Night Live, in addition to her three seasons as a cast member on Logo’s “Big Gay Sketch Show.” Remember to tell your friends & bring them along to the show! As with all SEC events, this show is FREE with a current UT ID! Can’t wait to see you there!”
March 21st, 2013 at 8pm at Texas Union Ballroom (UNB 3.202)
I did a Behind The Tweet for WitStream today. I couldn’t decide on which tweet I wanted to do, so I wrote two. Here’s the one I didn’t send in.
This tweet was inspired by my twenty-fifth birthday. I’m not a birthday person at all but I decided to go out to dinner in celebration. I was getting ready at my tiny bachelor unit apartment and when I say tiny I mean tiny. It was 290 sq ft. and the address was 320 ½. There was literally a half sign outside my door. Also, it didn’t have a garbage disposal so I’d just flush food down the toilet. I liked to pretend the toilet was hungry. Ok, back to getting ready at my tiny apartment. I was getting ready with my sister, Catherine. (I call her The Kitten which she hates.) So, we’re getting ready and I asked her “Hey should I make dinner for 8?” Her response was “Um, I don’t think you have that many friends. Just saying.” Um, yeah, Kitten, first of all: no need to add just saying. I get that. That’s how communicating works. Second of all: I meant 8pm, you bitch. And yes I called The Kitten a bitch, because the first step of forgiveness is making sure that person knows they should be sorry. Also, I guess I should note that it ended up just being her and I at dinner. Well played, Kitten.
By: Ashley Barnhill
After months or (possibly) years of involuntary solitude, you’ve finally found a guy you’d like to hang on to. You’ve got the tinglies for him and he seems to be giddy for you. More importantly, you haven’t scared him off yet.. Which by the way, Congrats! In retrospect, it might have seemed like the hard part was finding him, but really it’s going to be trying not to mess it up. How do you convince your new manwich to stick around once the new relationship smell washes off? Use the helpful tips and tactics below to stretch out the bliss of blind love.
1. Pump the Brakes
New infatuated lovers will often rush into a relationship. This tends to cause guys to freak out and run away screaming “this is moving too fast” or “run, she has a flail!” (A flail is one of those spiked ball and chain thingamabobs.) Thus, you need to convey that you aren’t too serious and want to keep this unlabeled relationship casual. Try calling him names such as “duder, bro or chief” during casual conversation and in bed.
2. Invent Another Suitor
Jealousy can be the sincerest form of motivation. Guys are competitive and you should use their neurotic insecurity to your advantage. Step away to take phone calls or have your girlfriends text you while you and him are out together. This will say “ I want to keep my options open, unless you want to be exclusive, in which case so do I.” Remember, you’re not manipulating him, you’re just getting him to do something you want him to do.
3. Make Yourself Seem Interesting
Aside from appearance, dating is mostly based on contrived conversation and banter. It consists of material artificially created through past relationships that we pretend to deliver spontaneously. So, have some preplanned conversation starters that’ll make you seem quirky. Try something like “Who do you think would win a fight between a gorilla or a tiger?” or “You want to see me dislocate my jaw?”
4. If 1, 2 and 3 fail see 5, 6 and 7.
So, you fucked it up. Don’t be too hard on yourself. I mean, honestly, what did you expect? Now, for your own sake keep reading.
5. Trick Yourself
You may have realized it’s not going to work out because he’s going to try to end it. Make your brain beat him to it by convincing yourself it was a lost cause anyways! For example, does he wear those toe-shoes? Convince yourself that these minute details are deal-breakers! (Also, yes, we know you’re not supposed to judge someone till you’ve walked a mile in their shoes, but if they’re wearing those toe shoes, we’re totally judging!)
6. Retail Therapy
Shop till you drop this temporary defeatism pain you’re experiencing. Go buy yourself something nice. Buying things will make you happy and take your mind off being alive and a terrible, disgusting undateable human being. Never forget that happiness is available in your shoe size.
7. Try Again
Get back on the horse instead of lying there in self-pity eating your feelings. The key to dating is constantly finding new persons that you’re too early in the relationship with to realize it’s not going to work out. So, get back out there and get those giddy feelings for a new guy till you get rejected then have to convince yourself you don’t like him by finding another new guy and repeat the process.
I’ve been pretty quiet on tumblr about what’s been going on with my family, but here it is:
I know everyone’s a little butthurt about the “lists of the year” and whatnot, but I really enjoy compiling these. This is just my way of showing appreciation for the laughs you all provide me with. I’ve been on Twitter for 4 years and I blah blah blah something meaningful and heartfelt okay…